Lightning in the fire

[Lighting Kunai]

Ok this is my first attempt at a rp story so forgive me if it sucks

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The village hidden in the leaves was about to recieve a very unexpected visitor.

He strided towards the crest of the large hill he had seen earlier from his last vantage point, much further north. His ears could detect nothing but the faint rustle of the wind and his own footsteps. It had been his only companion he had had since he left his home on this mission. He knew it would be worth the solitude in the end though. As he reached the summit, his gaze swept across the plains until he saw a suitable looking tree some few miles ahead. This had been his routine for the past week. He knew his goal was ahead. Very soon, he knew, his search would be over.

The 2 guards on watch at the Konoha gate were feeling distinctly bored. They had dealt with nothing all day. Today was just too quiet. It looked like nothing was going to happen either. Then, one of them noticed a figure, distinctly a ninja, approching. Of what village they could not tell. He nudged his partner, who saw the figure also, and they stepped out to the gate to meet, or defeat, this newcomer. The ninja was evidently in no rush, as it took him a short while to arrive. He was clearly a foreign shinobi, but could not yet see where from, as his headband was nowhere to be seen. Once he was in speaking distance, they moved to block him. One said, not too forcefully, "You, stranger, who are you? Where are you from? Why do you come to Konoha?"
He replied, "I will answer the last question first. I must speak to your hokage, my mission requires it."
The other guard exclaimed, "Then what is your name? Who sent you?"
"My kage. I have been sent to offer my aid to your village." He looked up. "My name is Sashiru, chuunin of the land of lightning."

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Plz tell me what you think!

[Lighting Kunai]

Plz someone other than me read this T_T

[Renisan Kun]

I think I'd love to hear the rest of the story I'm intrigued as to who the chuunin really is, why doesn't he wear a headband, and what his purpose really is.. and I didnt know you can write so well Kunai Very good read.

[Lighting Kunai]

OK I've spent the day trying to decide what happens next and here it is

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The guards could not believe him. Why would the land of lightning, the weakest of the 5 great ninja countries, send a chuunin to Konoha? "If you are from the village hidden in the clouds, as you say, then where is your headband? Why can we not see it?" one asked.
"I understand your suspicions. I have not yet told you entirely why I have come. However, I have been instructed to only tell your hokage. As for my headband, I have had to hide it. None of your, or our, enemies must know I am here. I do have it on my person. And here it is." Sashiru said, in his calm manner, as he pulled it from his kunai pouch. "I prefer not to wear it outside of my country if I can help it. It tends to attract attention, as lightning shinobi are not seen very often outside their borders. Is that enough, or do you have any more questions?"
"We have asked enough questions of you at least. But we will check with the hokage." Then they both left to see if the 5th hokage would believe him. Sashiru sat and waited, twirling a kunai around his finger. They returned. "It looks like your arrival has interested the hokage. You may enter the town, head straight to her office." Then they saw a sight they had not yet seen, the chuunin was smiling.
"Thank you. I think I can guess the way." He put his headband on. "Oh, and before I forget..." He laughed. "...Try not to let birds land on you, they tend to make a mess." As he walked off, the two guards looked at each other in confusion. Then they noticed that two pigeons had sat on their shoulders, and had taken care of buisness on them. They reeled in disgust, running to find somewhere to get clean. And as they ran, Sashiru walked along, twirling a kunai, with people staring at his headband. He grinned to himself, and thought, "Told you. It always happens."

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Because everyone loves filler and character development

[Renisan Kun]

Keep going.. I like it Seems like that shinobi knows some hypnotic technique that made the guards not notice birds landing on them lol. Can't wait to hear how Tsunade reacts on him.

[Chronos]

Hmmm, well, I think it is time for my opinion to be known! lol.

Well, as for the first part, your introduction to the main character, Sashiru, was vague, but in a way that called for attention to the character. My advice for the first post; Make more descriptors of Sashiru. All the audience knows at this point is A: He is a ninja, and B: That he has a mission to the village. Now, you could have enticed the audience with some descriptors, like what his face looks like, or if he has a mask. What color are his eyes? What type of clothes does he have on? What is he carrying with him? Just some things for thought.

Overall grade for first post; B

Your second post has some lacking qualities, as well. Once again, the character description remains vague. We, the audience, should at least get a profile on the character from the guard's point of view. As well, you mentioned a kunai pack that he had, which he was lacking in the first post. How did he get this? I know it is granted that most ninja have those packs, but there are some that don't have such things. Now, on to the positives. You did develop the character's.....character. lol. You gave him a purpose, and a mysterious aura that makes people wnat to know more about him. Also, you gave him a power, which is distraction. a very good thing to have when you are a ninja, no?

Overall grade for second post; C+

Anyway. These critiques are not to discourage you. On the contrary, these are meant to help you. Please, take my advice, but do not get bogged down by it. If you think I am a moron who doesn't know what he is talking about, then please disregard these. But, you wanted honest answers, right?

p.s.: Is doesn't suck

[Lighting Kunai]

heh, thanks. since u've made several roleplay stories, i respect what u say ^^
*cough*

[Dragonjinchuuriki3]

yes Chronos is all holy writer of doom! ^^ (speaking of him I need to work on Miracle still... damn fight scene...) I think it's really good I can't wait to see what happens to Sashiru

[Chronos]

why do I get the subtle hint that I may be being insulted? Or is it just my rampant paranoia? lol

[Lighting Kunai]

heh, just a joke
I can't insult you, u scare meh too much!

[Dragonjinchuuriki3]

what's so scary about Chronos?

[Chronos]

Seriously. I think I made myself more presentable when I introduced myself, didn't I? Well, anyway, I am looking forward to your next part of the story. Which reminds me, I need to get to my own story.......

[Lighting Kunai]

I was bored, so I decided to update my rp

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Hokage Tsunade sat in her office alone, reading reports. She was just getting on to the assessment of the progress of the academy students when suddenly her assistant Shizune came running in. "Tsunade! The lightning shinobi has arrived!"
"Send him in please." As Shizune rushed off Tsunade set the papers aside and waited.
The lightning shinobi was clearly young, about 14. However, he was also a chuunin, as he wore the distinctive jacket. He had quite soft, quite handsome features. His ears were slightly larger than the norm, but it was not too noticeable. His hair was coal black, and slightly covered his eyes. It stuck out below his headband. He had a calm, relaxed look about him, and that reflected in his dark blue eyes.
"Greetings honourable Hokage. I am Sashiru of the village hidden in the clouds."
"Greetings. Why is it you have come to Konoha?"
"My kage realises our strength is too weak to stand alone, as rogue ninja are being spotted a lot in our borders. I have been sent to ask for an alliance between our two countries, and to offer my aid to you village as well."
Tsunade was interested. "What are the terms for the alliance?"
Sashiru replied, "A trade agreement, and military aid if either of our countries are attacked."
Tsunade sat back. "I will consider it. Meanwhile I want to put you to the test. See me tomorrow. I will have one of my shinobi find you a room."
Sashiru walked out, nodding his head. As he left the room, he pulled out a kunai, but before Tsunade could be alarmed, he just twirled it around his finger and walked off.

[Renisan Kun]

I find it pretty realistic and can almost see it animated lol. Nice capture of Tsunade character, she is very dyplomatic here. I can see her thinking 'if they are weak, what do we gain from this deal?' so she delays the decision. Sashiru remains mysterious and his ability to distract even one of the sanin is intriguing. I'm curious to hear more

[Dragonjinchuuriki3]

I love his kunai spinning habbit ^^ and I can picture it in my head too, sometimes I think it's because I watch too much anime lol XD